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Cybersecurity Research
  1. It wasn’t until the end …

It wasn’t until the end …

It wasn’t until the end of August or maybe even sometime in September that I finally mailed Claire’s parents the card that I had bought for them shortly after I learned of Claire’s passing. I was angry with them for shrouding Claire’s death in secrecy, robbing the people closest to her of the news. I told them how very sorry I was to learn of Claire’s passing and how I couldn’t imagine the pain and grief of losing their only child, especially a child like Claire. What I said was true, but what I didn’t say was what the fuck is wrong with you? I shared with them a strange and persistent vision I had of Claire: her, as a bridesmaid, at my wedding. I wasn’t planning a wedding—I didn’t even have a boyfriend. And even if I had had a boyfriend—and a relationship serious enough to warrant a wedding—a wedding wasn’t something I wanted. I had been married before, and I didn’t picture myself doing it again. Maybe because my first wedding was to a very bad man, or maybe because I’ve never aspired to the stereotypical feminine things in life. Either way, a marriage wasn’t on my radar, but all of my best friends gathered in one place, wearing beautiful gowns and holding flowers and smiling the smile of love was. I wanted to bask in love with Claire.

I gave Claire’s parents my cell phone number, my email, and my home address, hoping they’d get in touch with me, but they did not. Considering how guarded they were about Claire’s death, I didn’t expect to hear from them, but I really hoped their understanding and empathy of my love for Claire would trump the ignominy they felt about Claire’s life and death.

I also sent them a print of a digital illustration that I had a woman on Etsy make of Claire. I took a screenshot of my favorite photo of Claire from her Instagram, and I told the artist she had complete creative authority for whatever she produced.

Shortly after Claire moved to the city for graduate school, she posted a photo on Instagram of her and her pug, Sid. She’s kneeling and wearing a black dress with a flower print, a pair of black Ray Bans, bright red lipstick, and she’s holding Sid, who’s dressed in a taco costume. Claire and I shared more than just an affinity for true crime: we also loved bold lipstick. I bought her a glittery green lipstick in 2016 that she modeled in a separate Instagram post.

What the artist made was more fantastic than anything I could have ever imagined. It captured Claire’s luminescence in a way that made her seem ethereal. I framed the print, and it hangs above my bed along with a framed print of a bat that I bought from Society6. I have no idea what, if anything, Claire’s parents did what the print I sent them, and my only hope is that they, too, see Claire’s brilliance and that they don’t hide it like they did her death.

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